I’ve got a beta and a recommendation for my fanfic!

Fanfic. 

So here’s the fanfic in its final version, and apparently now without errors :

Basically, guys, I don’t know who I’m writing this for, but today something happened I’ve been dreaming about since I was seven!!! True, it didn’t happen quite the way I wanted. And COMPLETELY not the way I imagined!

Well, I think many people would want to end up in the Harry Potter world, right? From the moment I first read the book at seven, I wanted to! At eleven, I seriously waited for the letter, but of course it never came. Around ten I started reading fanfiction, and there were tons of stories about self-inserts and... Oh my God! How jealous I was of them! Honestly, I was jealous of everyone there. Even those whose fate wasn’t exactly great. At thirteen, I once cried all evening because I wasn’t Moaning Myrtle. So anyway, that’s not the point! I’m seventeen now, and just a couple of hours ago I was sitting in my dorm and preparing a paper on art history! An ordinary day! And then... BANG! And that’s it, I’m in Azkaban! I have no idea how to comment on this or what to do now! What year is it вообще? Like, I could’ve been sent back to magical antiquity! What year was Azkaban built?! I’m in complete shock... And I’m a Muggle! What if there’s a Dementor flying around somewhere nearby and I don’t even know it?! And my English is at about fourth or fifth grade level, how am I supposed to answer if someone asks me something?! So what am I supposed to do?! How do I get out of here?! I mean, the bars are pretty wide, and I’m skinny, if I suck in my stomach I might be able to squeeze out, but then what?!

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Anyway, about two or three hours passed, and I decided to actually try getting out, maybe go talk to the staff... I don’t know what the hell this is, but I never once felt any Dementor presence. No cold, no fear, no sadness, nothing! But I’m lost and don’t know what to do now.

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Everything’s fine, the staff found me, knocked me out, and took me back to the cell. Honestly, it’s insanely boring here — you just sit in your cell, that’s it. There isn’t even any coal lying around! Although, actually, I don’t think there’s any reason for it to be here. But after that spell from the staff, something changed in me, apparently, because now I can see the Dementors! But for some reason they don’t give a damn about me. No, seriously, I’m literally perfect food for them! I’m stunned that I ended up in the HP world at all, and they’re ignoring me! WHY?!

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Can you imagine, the guy in the opposite cell is yelling at me! Honestly, I don’t really understand what he’s saying, but apparently he’s offended that the Dementors aren’t coming after me. Something about me being an unfair girl or something like that. So what’s better — answer him or pretend to be deaf and mute?

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Anyway, I pretended at first, but he woke up half the floor with his shouting, and now they’re all yelling too. No, seriously, it’s impossible to listen to! And they’re using swear words too! I mean, I’m no saint either, but I don’t swear at random people! I don’t swear at all! When I was nine, I gave myself a life challenge — not to say a single swear word. I failed it at ten, though, when my classmates found out and started offering treats in exchange for profanity from me, and I’m not stupid — for food, I’ll say every swear word in the world in every language. But whatever, my challenge, my rules, so those swear words don’t count. So, back to the point. I wanted to insult him in some elegant way so he’d leave me alone, but as I already said, my English isn’t great, so the only thing that guy heard from me was: “Go to the fuck,” and he burst out laughing for some reason! I’m telling him to go fuck himself and he’s laughing! Jerk!

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He’s been laughing for half an hour now... That’s how you get a heart attack! Maybe I should go get the staff again? I’m not a doctor. 

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Can you imagine the coincidence?! He knows Russian! I ended up in Azkaban in the cell right opposite Dolohov! Well, at least there’s someone to talk to! No, seriously, that’s awesome!

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He’s kind of aggressive((( Says that since I’m a Muggle, I should be a slave and so on. I mean, I get that Voldy taught him that way, and he’s in Azkaban for примерно that, but it still hurts, damn it!

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Ignoring Dolohov, day 1

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Ignoring Dolohov, day 2

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Ignoring Dolohov, day 3

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Ignoring Dolohov, day 4

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I went wandering around Azkaban again. Seems like I’ve explored everything. Oh, and I tied one of the Dementors to my belt by the edge of its cloak, so now the staff are afraid to come near me. I still have no idea why those creatures are ignoring me, but whatever, even better for me. By the way, Sirius Black isn’t here anymore, which means this is at least Harry’s third year. Kinda sad, actually — one of the few decent ones, after all. 

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That bastard Dolohov got out of his cell and was standing there waiting! So, we fought, and the Dementors broke us up. Well, not exactly broke us up — they just flew in and started eating his joy, and he ran back to his cell. 

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I decided that since I’m in Azkaban, I might as well do all kinds of nonsense. I still don’t have access to magic or any normal communication. I’m still thinking about what exactly to pull. But I went to the kitchen here and tried to ask them not to put apples and pears, and also birch sap, pumpkin, persimmons, carrots, plums, cherries, sweet cherries, raspberries, peaches, apricots, and nuts in my food, because I’m allergic. And they told me to fuck off( 

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You know, it just hit me now that I still haven’t checked my pockets! Like, they brought me a robe, I put it on, and dumped my own clothes in a pile in the corner. And I always have something interesting in my pockets. Anyway, I’m going to check now and write down what’s there! 

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Hahahahahahahaha, I didn’t find anything useful there, but! I’ll list everything now. 

1) A lighter. Don’t get the wrong idea, I don’t smoke, I just carry it with me. It’s nice to know you can always make light or heat whenever you want. And I can also burn Azkaban to the ground! Haha, kidding, I won’t, first of all, it wouldn’t burn anyway — it’s stone. And second, I’m basically living here for now. I’m not an adult werewolf, I’m not swimming across the ocean, I’d burn here together with everything else. 

2) Henna! Honestly, awesome! Basically, I remember in camp on Girls’ Night I drew mustaches on the nasty girls with it. I can do something like that here too, basically, I’ll have at least a little fun. 

3) A pack of gum. Nice, I guess, but it usually makes you even hungrier, and food is a problem here, so it’s useless. 

4) Deodorant. Overall, useful, but it already stinks here, so if it starts stinking from me too, it won’t really change much.

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URGENT!!! I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING SOOOOO BIG!!!!! MY DEODORANT IS IN SPRAY FORM! AND THE LIGHTER! I COULD BASICALLY MAKE IT EXPLODE! OR MAKE A FLAMETHROWER!!! But I won’t yet, unless necessary. Like, if the guards see me scaring everyone with a flamethrower, they’ll take it away. 

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Today I’m throwing myself a Girls’ Night! I’ll probably draw on some inmates from the other floors, they won’t find me. I’m wondering whether I should use our floor? They’ll probably come for revenge... Or maybe, наоборот, they’ll appreciate it and won’t hate me? Anyway, I need to think... 

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Damn, I’ve probably only been here about ten days, and I’m already so serious... Need to fix that. I don’t want to turn into a boring old lady who thinks about how to survive instead of how to have fun!

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I’m going to cause chaos! I’m about to draw on a couple of maniacs with henna, it’s kind of lights-out now, let’s see what happens! 

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I drew on them. We wait.... And actually, come to think of it, Azkaban is kind of like a sanatorium! Everyone has their own room, their own bed, the robe can be loosely counted as merch, nasty cleaners (Dementors) don’t let us run around and go wherever we want, there’s free food, and it’s totally possible to go out wandering and socializing! Or, like me, give someone a couple of tattoos! Haha, no wonder I graduated art school and went to art college — I knew it would come in handy!

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Unexpectedly, but they liked it! Although maybe not unexpectedly, they’re probably insanely bored here! No, seriously, it’s like camp or a sanatorium atmosphere. I even kind of set up a tattoo parlor here. Not on my own floor, though, the Death Eaters are sitting there, kinda creepy. I’m two floors below, here it’s just thieves, drunken brawls, and other small-time stuff. Though I’ll still need to try it on my own floor too, I’ll use Dolohov as my personal translator. Seems like he’s in a good mood right now too. Well, “right now” — it was this morning when I ran to the other floor. Probably liked the tattoo) 

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I set up a debate with Dolohov about their name. Like, they’re DEATH Eaters. And if you EAT something, it disappears. That means they should, like, REMOVE death. That name is more for volunteers than for villains. And if they bring death, then they should be called “death-makers.” Or “doers.” Or “spitters-out.” He told me to fuck off. Only in swear-word form.

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He’s kind of aggressive. I asked him whether they call Voldemort Vovka, like a third of the Russian fandom does, he could’ve come up with that too. And passed it on to the others. And he told me to fuck off again. 

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Anyway, I decided that if I’m going to annoy the Death Eaters, I might as well do it properly. So now I’m going to tell them the HP plot, I’m very interested to see their reaction!.. 

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He’s not listening! Just like a little kid (ahem, or like me), he’s covering his ears and yelling: “Lalalalala, I can’t hear anything!” 

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Hmm... Come to think of it, to the Death Eaters, who are all these serious types, I’m just a weird five-year-old. Well then, Dolohov and I are on the same level now! 

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I wonder, they probably don’t know that songs have been made about every Hogwarts house. If I sing them a Slytherin song, will they get nicer?

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No. For some reason they decided I was mocking them or something. And by the way, I took a test for which house I’d be in. I’m 50% Hufflepuff and 25% Slytherin. And 25% Gryffindor (but I’ll keep that quiet for now, for my own safety). Maybe I was singing about the house I’m 25% suited for purely out of the deepest respect for it? What, it really is a good house. No idea why people trash it so much. Boldness, cunning, and so on. That’s not that bad, in my opinion. Bold people are usually more satisfied with life than modest ones. I’m bold. And a bit of selfishness is good in moderation too. Like, I’m not going to sacrifice my life for school friends. Yeah, probably not even for current friends, honestly. For family — yes. But in this world, my family doesn’t exist at all, so I’m not sacrificing my life for anyone😝😝😝

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Damn, actually... My family isn’t here... No friends... No acquaintances... Well, whatever, I still can’t change that, especially not in prison! So I can only do one thing — enjoy myself! I mean, since I’m in one of my favorite universes, I’ve got to make the most of it!

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Can you imagine, Dolohov became so nice that he told me what year it is! Though I don’t know if you can even call that kindness. Anyway, it’s 1994 now. And that’s a problem. Like, Voldy won’t blow up Azkaban for a long time yet, so escaping won’t work. And my parents are still teenagers and don’t even know each other yet, so even if I escape and somehow get to my house (and to do that I’d have to cross several countries, mind you, and I don’t even have a passport), no one would believe I’m their child, I’m older than them! 

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Hahahahahahahaha, basically, I was telling him (well, Dolohov) about all sorts of weird but real pairings. You should’ve seen his face when I listed them! Even he was stunned by Draco/apple, Lucius/vase, Hagrid/Aragog, and Harry/Filch.

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I wonder if I should tell him that when I was eleven, I wrote a fanfic where Madam Pomfrey is Voldemort’s sister? Probably should. 

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He told me to fuck off( Well, okay, that was expected, the brain of an eleven-year-old is a thing capable of generating the wildest stuff. Although that idea was cute, personally. When I came up with him, I worked so hard I even googled the years all the Ministers of Magic served and used that too!

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Anyway, I told him he’s in the top 10 most popular characters in the Russian fandom, and he doesn’t believe me( Oh well, I won’t try to convince him, I didn’t learn to talk just to prove things to nasty maniacs. 

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I figured out how I can escape!!! Purely theoretically, if I strap a bunch of Dementors onto myself and jump out the window, they’ll fly and carry me somewhere. But trying it on myself is risky. Maybe throw one of the <s>Death Eaters</s> Spitters-out out? Bellatrix, for example, would be happy to do literally anything to get to Voldy. Though no, I feel sorry for Bellatrix, she’s one of my favorite characters. 

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Damn, all these wizards, well... They’re wizards! They’ve known about magic since childhood! But somehow, knowing about it, they don’t experiment. Like, what happens if you summon not an object with Summoning Charms, but something else? Like “Accio Voldemort”? And what about “Accio Voldemort, but without all the things he can use to hurt anyone and so that his followers can’t catch him while he’s flying toward us”? I asked Dolohov that, and he says he doesn’t know. Anyway, now not only I’m thinking about it, but he is too. 

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Damn, and if you continue the idea of summoning people, then, for example, you could summon them in pieces. Like “Accio Voldemort